Battleship: Seriously, you could do worse

While participating in International Naval war games in Hawaii, a fleet of ships run into an alien armada who intend to conquer the earth. The ships and their respective crews must work together in order to stop this from happening.

A movie based off of a board game seems like a silly idea on paper and director Peter Berg's Battleship certainly does nothing to curb that line of thinking for it was a loud, inane summer popcorn action flick with barely enough story and character to make it sub-standard at best. It is not the worst thing to come out of Hollywood in recent years, in fact, the action and special effects looked and sounded great (guess they spent some of that purported $200 million dollar budget on something worthwhile, too bad it wasn't a script) but there was nothing beyond those special effects and action sequences to give the film life or intelligence. This lack of story, plot, or characters has led many critics to make comparisons of Battleship to the Transformers films (which, oddly enough are produced also by Hasbro). Critics have long chided the director the Transformers films, Michael Bay, for perpetuating the effects laden/story lacking films that Hollywood seems to turn out anymore. In some ways, they are right to do so. The Transformers film series peaked with the original in regards to presenting a whole film, with story and characters to go along with the special effects, and the only reason that happened was Bay had to establish the characters that were going to be around for those two sequels (well, Megan Fox only did one more but I don't think her "acting" ability was missed in the third one). The sequels were either brainless (Transformers 2) or had such stunning special effects, no one seemed to care about the terrible acting or story. Battleship felt like a mash up between those two films, it had a poorly constructed story with holes in the plot big enough to sail a destroyer through and a lead actor in Taylor Kitsch who lacked the screen presence (or acting chops in general) to lead a big budget summer film. Still, those special effects and other visual goodies (to go along with a twist at the climax of the film which featured some real American heroes) throughout provided enough entertainment to at least keep the audience engaged.

Don't believe the hype, Battleship wasn't so terrible that you won't be entertained at some points, it just lacked the intelligence and story to make it anything more than a brainless summer popcorn action flick.

Grade: C- 

Apollo 18: Cool concept, boring film

According to official reports, the last mission to the moon by the United States was Apollo 17. But the recent discovery of footage of classified mission following 17 shows that United States astronauts returned to the moon, and came across something that guaranteed we would never go back.

The parade of found footage/documentary style horror films continues (thanks Netflix for sending me this one (he says sarcastically)) with Apollo 18. And while it suffered from the same lack of character development and sustainable plot/story as The Devil Inside, it featured a number of truly terrifying moments which were amplified by the director's use of the desolate landscape and isolated atmosphere of the moon. It's true that the audience never really got to know the astronauts (to be perfectly honest, each of them had the personality of a wet rag), and perhaps if there were some kind of conflict between Nate, Ben and John the story might have been more interesting, but at least when creepy things started happening on the moon's surface it was easy to get the prickly sensations going up and down one's spine and start to wonder just what kind of fate was waiting for the men of the Apollo 18 mission. These few tense moments were the only things that made the film somewhat watchable.

The atmosphere and look of Apollo 18 certainly helped to make its scares all the more frightening, it's just too bad its story and characters failed to add any value to the film as a whole. 

Grade: D+

The Devil Inside: Save yourself some time and go rent The Exorcist

Four years after her mother killed three clergy people, Isabella travels to Italy to visit her. She is convinced that her mother's actions were not her own four years ago and, with the help of two young priests, she hopes to cure her.

Fashioning itself in the same vein as other recent horror films such as The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, The Devil Inside presented its story with a documentary/found footage feeling that was meant to keep the audience on edge, wondering if what they were watching was staged or perhaps real. There were points in the film where what was happening to Isabella, Ben and the other characters could certainly make the audience jump, squirm or just shift around in their chair for it was unnerving and disturbing but the filmmakers failed to develop the story into anything more than a series of random scares. They raised the question of, is exorcism real or just mental illness but never bothered to explore it further and fold that into Isabella's quest to understand her mother's condition. Then there was the ending, which was wholly unsatisfying and seemed extremely lazy on the part of director William Brent Bell.

Ultimately, The Devil Inside was nothing more than a schlocky, exploitative horror film that did little more than utilize all the things previously seen in other "exorcism" films (i.e. women tied to beds, speaking in tongues and saying things that would make most sailors blush) without ever distinguishing itself from them. 

Grade: D

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol: Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to check this film out!

Agent Ethan Hunt returns to face another terrifying threat. After the IMF is shut down and implicated in the bombing of the Kremlin, Hunt and the members of his new team must go rogue to hunt down a dangerous terrorist named Hendricks who is not only responsible for framing them for the bombing, but also plans to launch a nuclear strike on the United States.

From the moment it starts, the film barley lets off the gas, giving the audience a multitude of amazing action sequences, car chases, tense moments, close calls and laughs. In comparison to the last couple of Mission Impossible films, this one felt more in line with the set up and spirit of the original television series. There were plenty of cool gadgets and other technology used by Ethan and his team but not so much that they overwhelmed the story. The most refreshing aspect to this chapter in the Mission Impossible film series (and the thing that spurred the comment about a return to the spirit of the original television series) was the fact that the story was not all about Ethan. It is true that he was the main hero of the film (I mean, Cruise did produce it so it's only right), but he was dependent upon the rest of the team to help him stop Hendricks and foil his nefarious plan of nuclear armageddon. Each one of the team members (which included Jeremy Renner, Paula Patton and the always hilarious Simon Pegg) was able to provide a terrific performance. Heck, Cruise even provided a very effective turn as Ethan, giving him an emotional depth and maturity that seemed to be missing from the previous Mission Impossible films.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol pulled out all of the stops to not only be a thrilling action film but also distinguish itself from the other films in the series. The result was a terrifically entertaining blast of action flick goodness that everyone will enjoy.

Grade: B+ 

The Muppets: A perfect family movie

When Kermit and the rest of the Muppets learn their beloved theater is slated for demolition so the evil Tex Richman can take all of the oil underneath it, they team up with their new friends Gary and Walter to do one more show in order to raise enough money to save it.

In a world full of unnecessary remakes, daft films about vampires that glitter in the sun (yes, I took a cheap shot at the Twilight series) and other puerile junk that lack any redeeming value of any type, it's hard to find a film that is not only able to entertain an audience, but also just make them feel good once the end credits start rolling. A film that can make one laugh, think and (maybe even) cry due to its sincerity and simple message. Thankfully, The Muppets provided all of those things and more. The story of Kermit and the rest of the gang getting together to do one last show in order to save their theater was not meant to blow people away with a complex plot, abundant special effects or excessive amounts of inappropriate humor (that's not to say there weren't hilarious parts throughout because there were plenty of those), rather it simply wanted to show that if one believed in themselves as well as their friends, anything (including defeating an evil oil tycoon in Tex Richman), is possible. I think we live in such a cynical age anymore that messages like that get lost in the overwhelming swirl of reality television, the internet or any of the other modern trappings that seem to rule our lives. Hopefully children who view this movie will take this lesson to heart, and their parents (or any other adults, teenagers, etc.) will as well.

The Muppets was a fun movie that not only kept the audience laughing, singing and smiling, but also delivered the kind of message that made a person feel good walking out of the theater or pressing stop on the blu-ray player.

Grade: A

Immortals: Not the Sword and Sandal Epic You Were Hoping For

The evil King Hyperion hopes to find an ancient mystical weapon that will help him free the dreaded Titans and overpower the Gods. Standing in his way is Theseus, a mortal man chosen by the Gods to stop him.

In their quest to give the audience the kind of slo-mo, ultra brutal action that helped to make "300" such a memorable film, director Tarsem Singh and the rest of the production team forgot a couple of very important things, namely a viable story and believable characters. The story of Theseus had the chance to be one of inspiration, showing the audience that even a mortal man could make a difference against a great evil. Instead, Tarsem and the screenwriters felt it was more important to simply overwhelm the story with action sequences that were a little too similar to "300" (and not nearly as visceral or thrilling) and a plethora of bland characters. Henry Cavill certainly gave his all in the part of Theseus and made his best efforts to keep the audience interested in what was happening on screen but the rest of the cast was either sadly under-utilized (seriously Freida Pinto could have done so much more than stare longingly at Henry), woefully miscast (Mickey Rourke as a King? Not buying it, even for a second), excessively whiny (Luke Evans played Zeus as if he were a bratty teenager) or were just there to take up space.

By the time the film was over, and all of the visual flair and pseudo-extravagant action had finished, one almost forgot just what Immortals was about for it had no real story or characters, making it just another "300" wannabe.

Grade: D+ 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: If you think the poster is shocking, just wait till you watch the film!

Disgraced journalist Mikael Blomkvist is hired by a wealthy businessman to investigate the disappearance of his grandniece. However she disappeared over forty years ago and the trail is somewhat cold, so he begins working with an investigator named Lisabeth. Together they uncover clues that could not only lead them to the grandniece, but also shed light on a series of murders with possible connections to her disappearance.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was not an easy film to watch. The gritty crime thriller, directed by one of the modern American auteurs in David Fincher and based off of the international best selling novel of the same name by Stieg Larsson, deals with Mikael and Lisabeth's investigation of  a girl's disappearance forty years ago. Along the way, they encounter a number of unsavory characters trying to hinder their attempts to uncover the truth. These unsavory characters, and the dilemmas they present to Mikael and Lisabeth, are what make for some of the more intense scenes of the film (those scenes between Lisabeth and you court appointed guardian Nils are almost unbearable, especially for women). Fincher never shied away from showing these things on screen, but he also never overindulged in the gritty stuff, thereby making those scenes all the more effective and shocking. Those scenes serve specific purposes to the film as a whole and are therefore integral.

The mystery the duo are trying to solve was complex and overwhelming at points, given the long list of suspects as well as the cryptic clues, but this only served to reel the audience in deeper into the film. Fincher was also able to lean on his actors to draw the audience in emotionally. Daniel Craig was sturdy and believable as Mikael, giving him a more physical presence than Michael Nyqvist did when he played the part in the Swedish version of the film. Rooney Mara was an absolute revelation as Lisabeth. She was haunting and delicate at points but able to turn into a fierce women who was ready to fight in an instant. It was impossible to take one's eyes off of her when she was on screen for you never knew what she was going to do. Individually, these two were interesting enough but when they joined up to work together and solve the mystery, it was beyond fascinating to watch. Their scenes together were played with an appealing awkwardness that kept the audience wondering just what was developing between the two of them.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was a classic who-dunnit thriller with an entertaining edge sorely missing in most Hollywood films nowadays.

Grade: A

The Adventures of Tintin: A serviceable adventure

World famous reporter Tintin and his trusty dog Snowy stumble into an adventure after he purchases a mysterious old model of a ship called the Unicorn. Along the way he must escape from the nefarious Sakharine and help Captain Haddock find his ancestors' missing treasure.

There certainly was plenty of adventure and excitement to be had in the film. Director Steven Spielberg tried to craft the title character into an Indiana Jones - like hero, putting him into dangerous situations in which he had to use his wits (and his muscle) to escape. However, if you took away the motorcycle chases, narrow escapes, and other action sequences the film essentially fell flat as its story and characters were dull and bland. One of the most glaring missteps was the fact that the audience was never given Tintin's backstory. It is explained that he is a famous reporter but that was it. It's understood that, to keep the flow of the story going, there was no need to spend a half and hour explaining how Tintin got his start as a reporter, how he found Snowy or how his hair is able to maintain its shape while he is dodging bullets but little nuggets of information here and there would have helped. The story seemed to focus more on Captain Haddock and his tale of redemption. And while that served to provide the audience with a valuable life lesson, the rest of the film was cheapened by poor storytelling and bad humor that lessened its potential impact.

The Adventures of Tintin contained breathtaking animation and enough excitement to keep audience members of all ages engrossed but it lacked the solid storytelling of those classic Disney Pixar films.

Grade: C

The Thing: Too bad it couldn't have cloned itself into a better film!

After an alien spacecraft is discovered in Antarctica, a team of scientists is dispatched to investigate it. However when the alien life form which was on board the craft is accidentally unthawed, the scientists must find a way to not only stay alive, but defeat the evil visitor.

There is little question that fans of John Carpenter's The Thing (for which this film is a prequel) are not going to be as enthusiastic with director Matthijis van Heijningen Jr.'s take. Carpenter's film was built on the tension and paranoia inherent in the story (who can you trust if the alien can clone itself into anyone?). He seized upon that to create a classic sci-fi thriller with a solid story, terrific acting and amazing special effects. This new "Thing" had its moments of tension and thrills, but never took enough time to utilize the stories' source material (the film is based upon a short story called, "Who Goes There?" by John W. Campbell Jr.) and make the film the kind of intense thrill ride that Carpenter's was. Instead, Heijningen Jr. focused more on the violence inflicted by the alien and all of the cool new ways he could show it via CGI as opposed to the practical effects used in the original. The results, however, were less than remarkable and the alien looked like something one would see in a SyFy channel movie, not a big budget studio film. The acting by the cast also did little to help the film, although one wishes that more development would have gone into Mary Elizabeth Winstead's character Kate. She was the only one of the cast that felt believable and it seemed as though the filmmakers were trying to make her Ripley-esque (Ripley is the heroine played by Sigourney Weaver in the "Alien" film series), by giving her a flame-thrower at the climax of the film and asking her to be a woman of action, not a shrinking violet that needed to be saved by a man. Alas there was little to no depth to her and when the film ended, it was easy to feel indifferent as to the fate of Kate.

The newest version of The Thing had a lot to live up to given the reverence that the original carries amongst fans and critics, unfortunately it failed to match the original in any way and was an underwhelming experience.

Grade: C-

Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides

Captain Jack Sparrow finds himself on a quest to help a woman from his past named Angelica find the Fountain of Youth. But they are not the only ones pursuing this fabled treasure, and Jack must use all of his wits to not only find the fountain, but survive the likes of his old nemesis Barbossa, the Spanish, and Blackbeard.

If there was one thing most fans would expect from this fourth installment of the Pirates series, it was that Johnny Depp would once again provide a memorable/hilarious performance as the lovable Captain Jack Sparrow. Unfortunately, his Sparrow this time around was tired and haggard, much like the film itself. There were still bits and spurts of the usual Sparrow-esque hilarity but Depp looked weary and restrained, simply going through the motions in order to cash another large check from the Disney company. The rest of the cast failed to add any sort of noteworthy turn (the chemistry between Depp and Penelope Cruz was non-existent and Ian McShane's Blackbeard was never given the chance to do anything but stare menacingly at the other actors) and, quite frankly, the presences of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley were sorely missed. The story was a convoluted mess that tried too hard to be as clever as any of the three previous films but even if it succeeded in grabbing the audience's attention, the characters were so lifeless and uninteresting no one in said audience would care about what was happening on the screen. Oddly enough a movie about pirates was missing naval battles, it was also lacking in time spent by the characters on actual boats. While there were a couple of solid action pieces sprinkled throughout the film (the most intense and exhilarating of which was the mermaid attack on the crew, the mermaids in the "Pirates" universe are a whole lot scarier than any other mermaid one has been exposed to), a naval battle or two would have added some more excitement, which this fourth installment seemed to be lacking.

If you are a completest and have already seen the first three Pirates films, chances are you will be able to find Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides somewhat watchable but everyone else would be wise to stay away from this lackluster sequel.

Grade: C-